Doubts Over Passion
Weekly Report 14
In AP Literature I was reading As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner, and during it a character discussed how people used words. Her argument boiled down to: people use words to represent things they do not have. For example, someone who speaks of fear does not have or understand it. Now, as unrelated as this might seem, her statement startled me. A question popped into my mind, am I passionate?
My ISM career has revolved around this word, which I am now afraid to use; I have mentioned it in almost every essay, speech, and weekly report. Are my claims false? Are those that doubt my passion right? Am I following the wrong path? It is terrifying to think I in reality cannot understand what it means to love and cherish something dearly. Art fuels me. I feel at peace; I feel joyous. I would be ridiculously difficult to live without painting. I adore it; I really do. Nevertheless, I wonder if this desire to pursue painting and art stem from a passion or a lack of passion.
If I think of the latter, I am faced with the idea that I do not know what it means to be passionate. Instead I crave passion; it would mean I am desperately searching for a passion, something to adore and follow. Maybe it is not so bad to lack that understanding. I mean, my mentors have stressed the importance to move forwards despite doubt, so I am not necessarily wasting my time. I may lack passion, but, maybe, what I am doing is bringing me closer to it. That is all I have ever asked for anyways.
Weekly Report 13
Part of my college applications involve making a portfolio. I thought that creating something of the sort would be stressful or exhaustive, but it was much more rewarding and cathartic to do so. To make my portfolio I had to look at all the pieces I have created in the past couple of years. It was a great experience; when looking at all my work, I saw how much I have grown and improved recently. Of course, there is still a lot of room for improvement; nevertheless, I am a much better artists than I was a few years ago.
I am genuinely proud of my work. My paintings contain style, personality, and are beginning to express ideas. There is the painting of one of my dogs: the vibrant colors and her smile serve to create a sense of joy in the piece. Another is my drawing of my other dog, which stat defiantly looking away from the camera. He exudes a feeling of pride that suits the black and white drawing.
However, the piece I am most proud of is also one I would rather not show people. It is my first real observational painting, and it truly allowed me to realize the progress I have made. I drew the piece while visiting a friend’s house during Thanksgiving, so I did not have it in front of me when I began painting. This meant the painting would lack detail; I struggled to recall some of the subject’s colors and shading. Instead, I decided to paint more loosely and expressively. I do adore the expressionist look, so this was not something I found to be a negative.
Indeed, the painting’s style is my favorite part; the strokes and marks are clear, vibrant, and obvious. Granted, the composition is week and the background is distracting. Nonetheless, despite not considering it a decent piece, I see the progress I have made. I was not just painting a doll; I had a plan, a purpose and the expressionist style I am attempting to mimic is slowly being refined. My goal this year is to build a habit of painting, so I can truly improve. This painting and portfolio show me I am getting closer to it.