Weekly Report 11
Luiz, the speech guy. My disastrous first speech led me to develop this reputation. I feel pretentious saying this, but I am, now, one of the best ISM speakers in my class. I mean, I had people this year watch on of my speeches out of their own accord because of what they have heard. It feels odd. I want to improve and better myself; however, this reputation means I have to be as good, at the very least, as the best ISM speakers in my class.
That is not to say that is something negative. This reputation encourages me to put more effort than I would usually to meet expectations. I genuinely am proud of my accomplishments; having to try twice as hard as before to improve is motivating. If I meet expectations then I will actually grow; having people look at me as a standard encourages further effort. Although, I think my source of drive has been misplaced.
My attitude has been one of fear. I do not want to let myself or others down. Not because I fear the shame of judgement, but because of my pride. I would feel ashamed to fail because it would be a reduction, a degradation; it would mean I am not improving. My whole purpose in this course is to improve. If I cannot do that then I have failed the course. At least, those are my fears regarding this reputation.
However, this thought process is wrong. Fear should not be my source of motivation; fear of failure, even less so. I should be wearing failure like a badge. It is not something to fear, but to embrace. Through failure I improve; meaning it would never deter or impede the improvement I so desperately seek.